Friday, February 20, 2009

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

I love writing faux pas. They show us our humanity. See if you can figure out what the writers of these church bulletin bloopers really meant to say:

No matter how many times you read these, they are still funny, and some of them really hit home. Enjoy...

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services

  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  • Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
  • Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
  • Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slog an:Last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Writers Take Notice!

Attention All Writers!

LAKE FAMILY MAGAZINE is looking for writers!

We are looking for writers to take over these departments on a monthly basis:

Bits and Pieces
Your Happy Home
Lake Family Health Page
Inspirational Article Submissions

Monthly submissions of inspirational articles along the lines that you see below should be Appx 500-750 words. This can be faith based but NOT overt since we are distributed through public school. The attached article is a good example but may even press the faith issue. We are trying hard to get a good message out but we must walk the line lest we lose our ability to do so. Please see Becky Joie for a copy to peruse these departments. You can see how each one is written. LFM prefers a conversational yet intelligent tone in its writing. Please contact Stephanie Clunn at for more info or to submit an example of your writing. LFM does not remit monies for any writing but does offer a bio at the end of submissions and will also credit the author who writes a department.

The Invisible Woman by Nicole Johnson

It all began to make sense, the bland stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask,"'What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, “What number is the Disney Channel?” I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please." I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude-but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going . . . she's gone! One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this. "It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees. "In the days ahead I would read-no, devour-the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: (1 ) No one can say who built the great cathedrals-we have no record of their names.
(2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. (3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. (4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man,” Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees." I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me. "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral. But you can't see right now what it will become. At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because so few people are willing to sacrifice to that degree. When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there." As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women. God bless you as you build your cathedrals!
"Excerpt Reprinted by permission. The Invisible Woman, Nicole Johnson, 2005,Thomas Nelson Inc., Nashville, Tennessee. All rights reserved. For moreinformation, check out the author's Web site at";