Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Dr. Wordwielder's Wordsmithing Woa's

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that my visit to Rather Be Writing last week was diverted due to circumstances beyond my control.
You see, last Wednesday evening, I was sitting in my customary location on the Davenport in the university library. I was reading through the B entries in my Oxford New English Dictionary when the lines in my bifocals appeared to blur and the words on the page began to fade and then after that I do not recall anything for a while.

All of a sudden, I was startled by a cacophonous CRASH. I arose from my seat to see what was the matter. Oh, wait, that's not me. (Well, I must have been reading too much of Clarke Moore's poetry to my classes that day.) Suffice it to say, my dear friends, that the sound with which I became enlivened, resembled that of a gun shot. I feared that one of the drama students had gotten carried away in the auditorium nearby. But upon closer examination, I discovered no students nor staff members remained in the wing where I had taken up temporary refuge. It puzzled me greatly how such a boisterous boom could come from a seemingly empty building. I wandered from hall to hall when ZAP!!! At that very moment, a white flash of light flooded the air outside the Science laboratory where I expected to find the source of the explosion which had startled me. My left hand stretched toward the counter for stability and I peered over the rim of my spectacles but saw nothing. In fact, I seemed to have lost my visual senses. After a momentary lapse, the discovery that I was enveloped in a pervasive absence of light gave me pause for consideration. I needed to find a way out of the laboratory and into the hallway where I could use my cane to tap along the surface of the wall and circumnavigate the facilities to the exit.

Of course, I remained calm but plotted my response in the event that I should run into the hoodlums who had caused such an offense in order to rob or vandalize the university. My suspicions were that it was a fraternity prank but one could never be certain. It might even be a group of terrorists. I deduced that, even in the shadows, I would have an advantage over the young whipper snappers. Having been employed for so many years of my career at EEIEA, I knew the campus like the back of my hand. There had been many a day where I roamed the hallways reading J. R. R. Tolkien or C.S. Lewis while circumventing the crowds of students who stood chatting in the hallway between classes. I could certainly find my way around better than anyone I knew.

I felt my way out of the room with my cane while clutching the classwork and dictionary in my right hand. I could always use the massive volume as a decoy should the need arise by casting it in the opposite direction of my escape path to lure my assailants away long enough to evade apprehension. I proceeded with caution but also stood erect in order to appear invincible in the event that the criminals had donned night vision equipment.

As I left the room, I was delighted to be greeted by battery-powered emergency lighting in the hallway, leaving shadows distinguishable enough to lower my cane. I advanced with ease toward the visitor's office where I would attempt to locate the telephone and contact the constabulary authorities. As I placed my armload on the chair just inside the doorway, I froze. There, standing in the window behind the desk ,hiding behind the draperies was one of the intruders. The window was open and a breeze flowed through or I might not have seen his shadow wavering back and forth. I crouched and tried to crawl around the edge of the desk so as not to alert him to my presence but years ago, I had injured my right meniscus in an ice storm when visiting an educational conference in Boston. I gasped but was able to stifle it, then proceeded to tip toe with my weapon in hand. As I approached, I raised my cane as high into the air as I could and applied the force of a belly club as I swung. My cane caught in the drapery and tangled up, knocking me off-kilter into the desk behind me where I apparently landed on the button for the intercom and heard my voice echo through the building. “Take thattttttt!” I heard as I struggled to untangle my cane. I pulled it back behind my head and then thrust it toward the window again hoping to strike him but just at that precise moment, the lights came on and blinded me. Reflections on my bifocals prevented my eyes from focusing but then my vision was restored enough to see my victim in full spectrum light. There stood a graduation gown with a pair of the administrator's Florsheims on the floor beneath. It was apparent that a graduating senior had just returned his gown to the office and the secretary had inadvertently left the window open and left it hanging there after closing the draperies.

I was never so undignified in my entire life and realized that I must be in need of some suspended somnolence. I was fortunate to be the only staff member in the building as the security personnel had already retired for the evening assuming that I would make my usual after hours exit and secure the building myself. For this, I was grateful. I stepped forward to seal the aperture and discovered the source of the power outage as a bolt of lightening darted in the distant horizon. The generator back-up timer had tripped after the electricity had been affected by a lightening strike somewhere on the campus. I glanced around and noticed that there was not a sign of combustion in the atmosphere at all so I exited the building and meandered to my vehicle. In all the chaos, I must have left my lesson for you on the desk in the visitor's office but I did not want to become a lightening rod in the lonely parking lot so I scurried into the driver's seat and attempted to drive away into the storm. I thought, perhaps that I might arrive on time but as I continued my journey toward your home, the clouds darkened and the floodgates of heaven prevailed to penetrate the road with horrific hail. I feared that being in Florida, I might be on the outskirts of a hurricane or tornado but had no choice but to continue as I could hardly see the boundaries of the road. Eventually, I arrived upon the edge of my driveway but as it was approaching Two o' clock in the morning,I presumed that you would already be in your bedstead and not appreciate a guest at that hour. I beg upon your mercy for forgiveness of my rude behavior to have not kept my word on traveling to your residence last Wednesday and I hope that your readers have used the week of my absence as an opportunity to study the incredible linguistic lecture which I had deposited here upon my last visit to Rather Be Writing.

This week's lesson shall consist of the following:

1. Hectic or Helpful Homonyms? Choose the correct homonym to place in this old song. “I may never ride in a ___________ but I'm in the Lord's army.” Is it: a. calvary OR b. cavalry.

2. Ideal or Idiotic Idioms? When the utility bill came, it made my___________ because it was so elevated. CHOOSE ONE: a. blood run cold OR b. blood boil.

3. Wise or Wacky Words? Sanguine. Does it mean: a. happy, optimistic OR b. an object containing sparkly sequins?

4. Comical or Cute Coinage? Evoktional may be defined as: to create or do something that will evoke a response from someone. The word also denotes a devotional quality to the response that is evoked. The first time I became aware of this word is when Ms. BeckyJoie's brother, Ray Thombs, Jr. used it to describe his common mode of operation in human relationships. Dear Readers, coined words are rather an addiction to me as a professor and philologist, so if you could kindly humor me a bit and send me your coinages this week via email or a post, it would be ever-fulfilling for me to peruse.

In fact, this week, please do not post your answers here on this weblog but instead, record them on a page elsewhere such as Facebook, Twitter or your personal weblog.
Then come to this page and leave the address or location where we may find your answer. I shall leave the quiz answers with your host to announce at a later time in the next day or so. Thank you so much for understanding my plight last week and I appreciated your consideration and forgiveness.

The time has arrived when I may need to vacate the residence of my hostess but I shall return again soon. I've been very busy lately and a bit scattered so if I do not appear on time, I please to beg your pardon. Nonetheless, whether or not I am present, I shall not neglect to deliver the lessons to Ms. BeckyJoie so that she may be able to publish them for all of her readers to study and memorize. For now, I bid you goodwill and good night. Until we meet again....
Post Script: Don't forget to answer the exam questions.


singingintherain said...

I am a first time reader and I loved it. I love reading that style of language. Carolyn Cox (I am "singingintherain."

BeckyJoie said...

Why, Thank you, Mrs. Cox. I'm obviously speaking to someone of supreme intellectual accuity.
--Dr. Word Wielder.

JoJo Tabares said...

I am so sorry to hear of your late night troubles, Dr. Word Wielder, but it did make for a humorous story.

I have listed my answers as a comment to my post alerting folks to your lesson on Facebook as I found 140 characters on Twitter less than accommodating.

Sandra King said...

Hysterical! I was perched on the fringe of my pouffe in breathless anticipation of the outcome of your adventure.

Penney Douglas said...

Very funny. I had to read it slowly to understand, though. Does that mean I'm not too bright?

BeckyJoie said...

Penney, thank you so much for visiting. Dr. Word Wielder is a man who marches to his own drum beat.

AmberInGlass said...

Very good read. Poor Dr. Word Wielder. I linked to this post via my blog, and I put the answers on a comment in the post. Thanks, Beck!

BeckyJoie said...

Here they are, the answers to Dr. Word Wielder's Quiz.

1. Hectic or Helpful Homonyms? cavalry
2. b. blood boil
3. a. happy, optimistic
4. Comical or Cute Coinage? Evoktional may be defined as: to create or do something that will evoke a response from someone. The word also denotes a devotional quality to the response that is evoked.

Thank you for answering my examination questions. I shall return next week with some new words for you to study.

Sincerely, Dr. William Word Wielder